Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Do you think English is easy?



Now this ............ my friends, is totally brilliant and worth the read or is that reed or possibly Reid!

This is for those who think German is hard.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We openUP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

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Monday, April 23, 2007

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute they say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.


Take the time... to live and love.


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Railroads - The Power of Engineering Logic


Railroads .... Does the statement, "We've Always Done It That Way" ring any bells? ... read to the end ... The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. ..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

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From Brisbane to Sydney.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Tamworth along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Tamworth for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man {Keith} replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! A True story... Have a great day and remember ...Things aren't always as they appear.


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Extreme fatuousness in marketing


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
  • On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
  • On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
  • On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be???....)
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's just a suggestion.)
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well. duh, a bit late, huh!)
    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (and you thought????...)
    On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
  • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(...I'm taking this because???....)
    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to what?)
  • On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
  • On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
  • On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (or arms, Sean ;) (Oh my God ..... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle) ......

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This one is good, though sometimes a but far fetched!!!! .... via Doralle

DIARY OF A NEW BRIDE


Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately. "Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing. "So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, " wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of theweek. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt alright. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because ofhis work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?". It has to be his job.

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How some business is done! .... via Tim Wilbur

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gate

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case ..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case ....."

This is how some business is done!! don't get caught !!

we have been doing it wrong

re Tim


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Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time .... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus comeyet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks for that image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering ..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

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Here are a few more gems, the first one you may have seen before but the last one I have not seen, Re Tim Wilbur

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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Points to ponder

  • Can you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  • Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
  • Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
  • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  • If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
  • Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!
  • "Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?
  • If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • What do you call male ballerinas?
  • Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
  • If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
  • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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Lessons from the Geese .... via Ria Strong

"People are interdependent on each others skills,capabilities and unique arrangements of gifts, talents or resources ... If we have as much sense as the geese,we will stand by each other..."

Lessons from the Geese written in 1972 by Dr. Robert McNeish

This Fall, when you see geese heading south for the winter flying along in "V" formation, you might consider what science has discovered as to why they fly that way.

FACT: As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an "uplift" for the bird immediately following. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock has at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.

LESSON: People who share a common direction and sense a community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are travelling on the thrust of one another.

FACT: When a goose flies out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front of it.

LESSON: If we have as much common sense as a goose, we stay in formation with those headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their help and give our help to others.

FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into the formation, and another goose flies to the point position.

LESSON: It makes sense to take turns doing the hard tasks and share leadership. As with geese, people are interdependent on each others skills, capabilities and unique arrangements of gifts, talents or resources.

FACT: The geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

LESSON: We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there is encouragement, the production is much greater. The power of encouragement is the quality of honking we seek.

FACT: When a goose gets sick, wounded, or shot down, two other geese will drop out of formation and follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with the fallen goose until it dies or is able to fly again. Then, they launch out with another formation to catch up with their flock.

LESSON: If we have as much sense as the geese, we will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong!

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Subject: FW: A short quiz. Good one!


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But DON'T scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in
the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend
to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you
not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old!

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The Meaning of Life is but one's perspective! ..... via Janifer Cronk

A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Greek.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Greek.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends".


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`THE WORLD IS A VERY SMALL PLACE' .... AN EXPERIENCE WHILST I WAS A STUDENT IN 1969'


I am inviting anyone to enter into this broadcast with a new direction. Are there any people out there in Cyberspace who are interested in creative writing? Life to me is meant to be full of fun and wholeness .... life is meant to smiled at. Would you like to share it with us? .... if so:
Could you send your submissions to the above e-mail address and I will assess their suitability for publishing on the Internet. Keep your submissions to around a thousand words.
State your permission to publish and distribute free of cost.

To start the process, here is one written by myself called `THE WORLD IS A VERY SMALL PLACE' .... AN EXPERIENCE WHILST I WAS A STUDENT IN 1969’. See the story at:

http://themullumbimbytrain.blogspot.com/

See my other blog sites on my past at these blogs:


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The Power of Creativity ....

A blind man sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read:

"I am blind, please help".

A creative publicist was walking by him and stopped to observe he only had a few coins in his hat. He dropped a few more coins into his hat and without saying anything, took the sign, turned it around, and wrote on it. He placed the sign by the blind man's feet and left.

That afternoon the creative publicist returned by the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was him who had re-written his sign and he wanted to know what did he write on it? The publicist responded:

"Nothing that was not true, I just rewrote your sign differently".

He smiled and went on his way. The blind man never knew but his new sign read:

"TODAY IS SPRING AND I CANNOT SEE IT".

--- Change your strategy when something does not go your way.

---- Present yourself in a different way when things are not working out.

---- A change in outlook can turn your life around.

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Just for fun ....


CHANGE ONE LETTER OF THE BOTTOM WORD POSTED AND SEE WHO GETS STUCK AND CAN'T CONTINUE!

Rules: YOU CANNOT ADD LETTERS .... YOU CANNOT USE FOREIGN LANGUAGES ..... YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE ONE LETTER.

Send it back to the person that sent it to you, plus 10 new people.

STARTING WORD:

foot Hannah - boot Mary -bout Dan - boat Taylor - coat Nat - coal Brian - cool Bryan - fool Amy - tool Sami - pool Sarah - wool Kasey - woof Lori - hoof Katie - roof Bon - root Lisa - hoot Colleen - coot Yvonne - cook Karen - look Audrey - took Bonnie - book Charlie - hook Nan - honk Audrey - hank Jeannette -hunk Bette -dunk Molly -punk Bev - hunk Ernie- sunk Phyllis - junk Sharon - June Jane - tune Linda - tone Bruce - bone Lisa - lone Helen - gone Midge - done Sherlin - cone Vivian - none Dora - zone Jean - hone Sally - home Mary - come Tim - dome Yesi - some Teri - same Donna - sage Emilie - cage Betty - page Dick - pale Laura- bale Kate - male Barb - mole Susie - pole Rebecca - poke Janet - joke Angie - toke Laureen - coke Lori - code Vickie - rode Sabrina - rose Leslie - rise Denise - rite Sheri - rate Sharon - rats Linda - cats Carolyn - mats Jamie- mate Becky - mite Michell e - mice Brenda - dice Cheryl - lice Jody - lick Linda - wick Felicia - kick Wendy - tick Shar I - sick Whitney - suck Heather - tuck Brenda - duck (I'm not going to be the one to say it!) Betty - dock (you thought it was going to be something else, didn't you?) Vicki - sock Helen - cock (a faucet or valve for regulating flow of liquid -just want to be clear) It's also a farm animal. Barbara - mock Kelly - rock Carol - lock Sheri - jock Pam - jack Eva - back Michelle - lack Angie - lace Kathy- face Angie - fact Julie - fart Mel - farm Debbie - fare Lisa - dare Margaret - bare Petra - care Don - mare Mary Jo - mart Karen - cart Ellen - dart Ann - darn Meghan - yarn Jana - barn Lisa - born Sheila - corn Dana - cork Carol - pork Cheri - port Chris - part Tina - park Erica - lark Peggy - bark Lou - hark (You know, Harold's angels singing) Robyn - dark Jacque - dank Helen -dunk Delisa - dune Bethany - dane Nicole - done Kayla-Bone Lisa - Zone Angie W-Tone Danita V. - none Suzy - lone (as in Lone Ranger..lol) JoAnn - gone Gayle - gene Lorri - gena (I was desparate for a word and found this one in the dictionary - it means "the cheek or lateral side of the face.") Margie - gent Sandy - bent Merrikay -beet Rhonda - feet SARA - FEEL Phyllis G - heel Kathy M. - keel Gail B.- reel Greg T. - reed Ed Q. deed Dixie - weed (lol) Bob M - seed Bonnie - feed Jan - need Anna - heed Debbie - peed (what can I say? lol) Tami - peel Carol - peek Phyllis P.--meek Cheryl C. - seek Hoby--seer Donna -peer Marj - peen ( It's in the dictionary!) Connie - teen Gary - Tees Kerry - Bees Patsy - beep Pat - Jeep Kate - jeez (to express surprise or anger) Jan - jeer Kathy - beer Patti - beef Anita-beet Dawn - beat Elaine - bead Bette - dead Jackie - read Crystal-ream Darlene - real Angie - seal Beckie- Meal Linda- Seam Mindi - sear Stephanie-soar Sarah - roar Sharon - boar Darb - boat Margaret - moat Lori - meat Kari - heat Terri - hear Nichole- heir Jane- hair Adele- lair Linda-pair Karen - fair Betty - fail tom - fain Jack - pain Glenn - rain Charlotte - vain (conceited, ineffective) Bonita - vein (blood vessel) Pauline - veil Wendy - veal LaToya- deal Deb - teal Joe - tear Zoia - dear Judy-rear Mary-read Braxton-real Linda-seal Judy - seat Pauline-beatKim-neat Cathy - nest Donyl-best Michele - rest Glo - pest Lisa - test Emma-west Imelda-zest Julie - jest Karen-lest (for fear of, ex. ...lest I forget....) Kathy lost Cindy - cost MARY - most PHYLLIS D post Sara- past Phyllis D fast Karen cast Greg - cart Karma - part Niki - park Tammy - lark Vicki - mark Heidi- murk Jannetta - lurk Becky - luck Patti - buck Bev - back Barb-pack mike-rack Terri - sack Onneke- sank Sarah- Sand Bud--hand Dick - band Mike- Land Lilia - wand Jeff-wind Becky- find Jeff-fine Caroline - line Karen - life Kathy - fife Nancy - five Karen - dive Diane - dove Bill-love Barry ........ move Grace - more Rose ~Sore (ouch) Robin – SortKen Soot

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GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)


Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend
more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses
and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more
degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts,
yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too
much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered
outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not
better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the
atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan
more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We
build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days
of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These
are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share
this insight, or to just hit delete...


Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because
that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes
from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the
precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

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George Carlin
The Brick!!! Read It. Read this today and don't delete it if you are too busy!! You'll see.

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down

when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown The angry driver

then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against

a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop....." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in....

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Pass this message to seven people except you and me.

You will receive a miracle tomorrow ( just do it)!

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I Hope You Dance Via Theo Catsoulis

'I Hope You Dance ... '

This was written by an 83-year-old lady to her friend. *The last line says it all.*
Dear Bertha,I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savour, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favourite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and lustre to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them."People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

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The Dam via Chip Hedges


Thought you'd enjoy this! This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation it makes it even better...

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries,

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no late than January 31, 2006. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.


HERE IS THE ACTUAL RESPONSE SENT BACK BY MR. DEVRIES:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump! Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS


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The Purpose of This Blog Site:

An e-mail broadcast to lighten up your day .... bring some fun, laughter and a different perspective on life.

From a Christian Spirituality: Proverbs 15:13-15 “A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness. All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.”

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