Do you think English is easy?

Now this ............ my friends, is totally brilliant and worth the read or is that reed or possibly Reid! This is for those who think German is hard. 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" You lovers of the English language might enjoy this There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We openUP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....! ________________________

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute they say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.


Take the time... to live and love.


__________________________________

Railroads - The Power of Engineering Logic


Railroads .... Does the statement, "We've Always Done It That Way" ring any bells? ... read to the end ... The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. ..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

____________________________________

From Brisbane to Sydney.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Tamworth along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Tamworth for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man {Keith} replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! A True story... Have a great day and remember ...Things aren't always as they appear.


__________________________________

Extreme fatuousness in marketing


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

• On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
• On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
• On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be???....)
• On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's just a suggestion.)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well. duh, a bit late, huh!)
  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (and you thought????...)
  On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
• On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
• On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(...I'm taking this because???....)
  On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to what?)
• On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
• On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
• On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
• On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (or arms, Sean ;) (Oh my God ..... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle) ......

_______________________________

This one is good, though sometimes a but far fetched!!!! .... via Doralle

DIARY OF A NEW BRIDE


Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately. "Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing. "So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, " wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of theweek. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt alright. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because ofhis work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?". It has to be his job.

____________________________________

How some business is done! .... via Tim Wilbur

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gate

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case ..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case ....."

This is how some business is done!! don't get caught !!

we have been doing it wrong

re Tim


_____________________________________